Some people just can't be helped

Today I have done something I never thought I would do in all my life. I stopped caring.

The story is that I had a friend with a few "issues". I have known this for so long and I have tried to be there for her and do things for her. God knows how much money all together I have spent on this girl. I thought of her as my best friend, so, of course I didn't want anything bad to happen to her and I wanted to help her out of the state she was in. I met her only about 2-3 years ago now I think. She seemed alright, she lived into the next town away from mine and it was cool having someone that seemed happy and fun around. At first she was the one cheering me up. After a few months I didn't see her a lot because I had sixth form. She would have been in college but due to some apparent health issues, which I think are connected to her depression (so, all in her head) she couldn't get out of bed. But somehow managed to go out drinking and able to not go home for days. Again, all down to her depression but if you cant go to college but you can roam the streets everyday and night??? c'mon!

After the few months not really talking to her she suddenly drops it on me that she tried to commit suicide. Now, I did worry for a while. I didn't know what to do. This was all new to me. I was really worried about her and wanted to know she was going to be ok. She told me she tried to drown herself but a stranger dragged her out the river and she hated that she survived because no one helped her and she was just put in a police cell for the night. I am not entirely sure, but I don't think that is how it works. To be honest, with everything she has told me over the years...she would have been locked up by now if all of them were true. I do not know what to believe anymore. She has told me about many suicide attempts and all of them conveniently fail. I have held my tongue about this for a while but today she has pushed me to my limits of understanding.

After all the depression and suicide stories I have tried to be there for her and gave her all the support I can give. I tried to encourage her and try make her look on good sides of things. Nothing works with her. But the other day she said she was going back to college and was really happy about it and looking forward to actually doing something with her life rather than sitting in the house doing nothing all day everyday going deeper and deeper into her dark hole of depression. So I was happy for her and if I am honest I was proud that she finally had pulled herself out of this dark mindset she had been in for so long.  All I wanted was for her to live life to the full and do everything with the full capability that she has. She isn't stupid and she isn't a waste. But she was wasting her life doing nothing for so long.

So I didn't text her on her first day, obviously because she would be doing work or something.......so I thought. I text her in the evening and she told me it had been hell and she had a breakdown because it was too hard and everyone thought she was a freak. She took Drama, it was the first day, they wouldn't exactly been doing much. But I did care about her so I tried to help her stay positive and even offered to go see her. She just went on about she didn't want to be alive. I think I talked her round and calmed her down a bit, I had faith in her and believed she would overcome it if she put her mind to it. She was calm until today. She took a day off yesturday so I asked how today went. She said she had given up and staying home from now on. WTF! seriously! ONE day...ONE!!!

I just gave up. I had spent days crying over her worrying about if she was ok. I have had sleepless nights thinking about her. So I didn't want to sugarcoat it. I just said I gave up and there was nothing I could do for her anymore because she is just sinking deeper into her own depressive mind. You know what she said to me? I will tell you. "Shut up you pathetic fat bitch. Leave me alone" So to this point I just fucking flipped out. I offered her help, she wouldn't take it. I tried being there for her only for her to tell me I don't get it and I don't understand because I have no mental issues. She acts like I've never had to go through bad times in my life and I've never felt bad about anything and never been depressed. She is 19, soon to be 20. She hasn't lived long enough to know how shit life can really get so she is pretty much fucked. I tried telling her that she meant too much to me for me to watch her destroy herself with all that is in her head and that was exactly what it was...IN HER HEAD! I siad I will still be her friend but I can not watch her be like this. Guess what she said..."I hope you die!".

That is the thanks I get. I have tried to help her for years and worried about her for so long. I have spent so much money on her. I took her on holiday, I bought her thinks. Got gig tickets and band t-shirts and everything. I did everything I could think of to make her happy. But because I gave up and didn't want to watch her suffer anymore she goes and throws it all back in my face. I am starting to think that because she isn't getting my sympathy anymore she has shown her true colors. But seriously, I tried my best and I just can't do it anymore. I am going to uni in 9 days time and I can't be dragged down like that. Not again, not after the state I was in during sixth form worrying about her. I am not going to be like that again. I am doing something with my life and I am finally going to be happy and doing something that interests me and what I love to do. If she wants to give up on life and live the rest of her days at her mum and dads house sat being depressed everyday and not doing anything with her life then I am going to leave her be. She can't call me pathetic after everything she has said to me. I'm done with her now. I can't go back. I don't want any harm to come to her. But I tried to help and you can not help someone that doesn't want to be helped and won't help themselves. Some people just can't be helped. xXx